Tired of the same old pictures of yourself? Brian with the kids.... Sheila with the cat..... Ready for something new? Bring out your Inner Zombie! That's right, now even YOU can throw aside life's conventions and responsibilities, forget the bills, the boss, the TV, and go on a quest for BRAAAAAAIINSSSSS!
How can I do this, you ask? Please, tell me you're not joking, Bruce! Me? I can become a Zombie??
But.... but HOW??
It's simple. You email a picture of yourself to me. Through the wonders of modern technology combined with the ancient secrets of the Voodoo Masters, I can turn that picture into.......
Scroll down for FAQs
There, that didn't take long, did it?
Q: That Zombie has a lot of character for a dead guy. Please explain.
A: Well, yes. That's a particular type of Zombie known as the "Marketing Zombie". He has both personality and amazingly good dental hygiene. Although non-traditional, you could use that kind of picture of yourself to become a Zombie.
Q: What if I want a more traditional Zombie?
A: We can do that! You see, basically the type of Zombie you end up getting is very dependant on the kind of pic you send. If you send a pic with personality, you'll get a Marketing Zombie. However, if you want the traditional, thinking of nothing but eating brains Zombie, you'll want to send me a photo more like this (backspace to return). Here's what you do: Mess your hair up. Zombies don't pay a lot of attention to fashion. If you're wearing make-up, smudge it up. If you're a guy wearing make-up, you're going to look like a Tranny Zombie. That's ok, I live in Massachusetts, it's all good. Wear crummy clothes, it will save me some trouble. Once you've created your initial look, you want to let your face go completely slack. Don't worry if you look like a moron. Zombies are morons. Except that head Zombie in Day Of The Dead. Or whichever it was. But then we're getting back to the Marketing Zombie.... So where was I? Oh, right, let your face go slack. If you want teeth, open your mouth and maybe pull your lips apart. Not literally. I'll take care of the torn flesh thing. I mean raise your upper lip and lower your lower lip. This takes a bit of skill, doing this and keeping the rest of your face slack. Practice in the mirror. Don't worry if you can't get it right. I'll just remove large pieces of your cheek to reveal some teeth. EEWWWW... (Traditional Zombie click here, backspace to return)
Q: What if I have no way to take a suitable pic?
A: If you live anywhere close to me, I can take the pic of you. Additional charges apply.
Q: Can I send a picture of someone else?
A: Sure. What could be more romantic than presenting your sweetie with a picture of her/himself all rotted away? I mean, if you think that's a good idea, go for it!
Q: Is there an age limit?
A: I don't recommend sending a picture of your 90 year old Great Aunt Myrtle. First, she won't appreciate being rushed. Second, just wait a little while and take a pic yourself. (EEWWWWW again!!). On the other extreme, I really don't want to do little kids. I mean, if you want to traumatize a five year old, there are probably ways to do it for free. Good luck with that.
Q: I've seen a lot of people online advertising this sort of service. Why should I go with you?
A: That's a very good question. I've seen a whole range of Zombie Makers online, too. First, keep in mind you get what you pay for. I mean, how embarrassing is it when you pay to have yourself look like a Zombie, and two, maybe three weeks later, you start to regenerate? Try explaining THAT to your friends and acquaintances. Stay away from cut-rate scoundrels. I've also seen a lot of very good work. Most of these have a very different look than my Zombies- they make you look gaunt, greenish-grey, replace some flesh with bone, and generally do a very good job, in a movie-poster sort of way. If that look works for you, go with it. I go for the photo-realism approach. What would you look like if I actually took a shotgun, claw hammer, or baseball bat and took off pieces of your face? A little additional wear and tear, some discoloration.... you get the idea.
Q: Ummmm, what if I, you know, wanted, like, a kinda sexy Zombie?
A: You got bigger troubles than I do! But sure, send me whatever pic you want. Just two things: If I have to mess up your body as well as your face, it's gonna cost more. We'll talk. Second, if you send me any child porn, I WILL forward it to the proper authorities. I'm just sayin'.....
Q: OK, so tell me what to send you?
A: Remember, if you send me a crappy pic, you're gonna get a crappy Zombie back. So- make it a good one. Use a tripod or a very steady hand. Go for minimum 300 dpi resolution. About 6-10 inches on a side is good. Jpeg or Tiff. If I think your pic is not going to work, I'll let you know before I do anything with it. Color or BW is your choice, but think about it.... grey blood?? Email it to firstname.lastname@example.org
Q: What will I get back, and when?
A: When depends on demand. Could be a couple of days, could be a couple of weeks, so plan ahead. I'll try to let you know current status. What you'll get back is a hi-res jpeg file of you as a Zombie, suitable for printing . Also a web ready version for your Facebook profile. Original pictures will not be returned (if you don't get the joke, ask a geek friend to explain. Give him some pizza, he'll tell you anything).
Q: OK, bottom line, what's this gonna cost me?
A: $30 per Zombie Head Shot (heh heh). Bodies extra.
Q: $30?? That's it? $30???
A: Yep, $30. And compared to the cost of a plane ticket to Haiti, the services of a Witch Doctor, then shipping yourself back home in a coffin, it's a No-Brainer! (Get it? No-Brainer. That's a little Zombie humor right there.)
Q: Sign me up! What was that email address again?
Q: Oh, wait, one more thing.... Do you just do Zombies, or can you do other creatures as well?
A: Oh, you betcha! Vampires, Aliens, Freakazoids.... Click here for some examples. Tell me what you want and I'll let you know how much.